Utter Clarity
by mmukh
Summary: Finding clarity when life is at stake. McSwarek. First fanfiction attempt. I write in British English. Thank you for reading. Constructive criticism would be much appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own Rookie Blue or related characters. Writing as a old fan of the show, particularly the McSwarek dynamic, which, I believe is the backbone of the show. No copyright infringement intended._

**Author's Note:** First fanfiction ever. I have read many awesome works in the fandoms of Rookie Blue, In Plain Sight and Covert Affairs, three of my favourite shows on Television besides all time favourite The X Files, and Criminal Minds. Taking the plunge, after the S4 finale ending restored my faith in McSwarek and Rookie Blue.

** Utter Clarity**

There are moments in life when some things become so much clearer. The fights, the petty jealousies, the lack-of-fights, the easy smiles, the not-so-easy distances, the sheer need to ensure another's happiness even above one's own, and the certain, absolute certain knowledge that another's being in the world one lives in trumps it all. 

Andy did not consider herself the smartest person in the world. But at this moment, seeing the medical personnel work hard trying to save Sam's life, she knew beyond all doubts that her story had been absolutely true. No one, no one has ever and never will love her and know her as Sam did. And she owed it to herself to return the favour, no matter how uphill a task that proved to be in the days to come.

She could only hope and pray that the Universe would give her the chance.


	2. Chapter 2: Musings

**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own Rookie Blue or related characters. Writing as an old fan of the show, particularly the McSwarek dynamic, which, I believe is the backbone of the show. No copyright infringement intended._

**Author's Note:**_ I extend my sincere thanks to everyone of you for your kinds words and encouragement. I would like to respond personally, but due to time crunch, I am taking the liberty of thanking you here. Please know, your opinions and comments are truly appreciated._ _I would also like to thank everyone who's taking the time to follow, favourite or just read this story. _

_I do realize that the first chapter was really short, but while writing, that is where I felt the flow had to break._

_Oh, and I forgot to mention in the first chapter, this is unbetaed. So, all mistakes are mine._

Chapter 2: Musings

She stood still. Perhaps, one would refer to her stature as numb. But, inside, in her mind, there was a veritable whirlwind of thoughts, memories and feelings, so many mixed feelings of happiness, sadness, sheer joy, gut wrenching grief, complex disagreements and love, a love she has so wanted to deny him and herself. She knew it was a privilege to be allowed to be in the room when the trauma personnel handled Sam's care, but she did not feel privileged. She felt regret, heartfelt regret at the path she had traversed over the last two years.

She had caught him look at her again and again, irrespective of whether she had been in a relationship with someone else, or he had been, and refused to accept the emotions in those eyes. Yes, she had seen the surprising PDAs with Marlo, but when he had tried to explain to her, wanted to rely on her help in dealing with some of the adversities during the last few months, how had she responded? She had helped him, of course; she could give herself a pat on the back for that. However, no way had that been unconditional, she had to accept the harsh truth at this moment, unlike what he had done when he had helped her with Luke, or her Dad, what now seemed like a lifetime ago.

Why had she done that? Was it just a way of coping with his moving on? Helping in giving herself permission to move on? Oh, what does it matter? Not now, anyway.

"He's coding!" are the words that finally brought her out of her musings. The flurry of activity around her seemed to increase in a few seconds as more nurses and another doctor rushed into the room. The crash cart was brought into play, and the process of jolting him back to life began. After three attempts, Sam's heart monitors showed activity again, and Andy released a long breath, she had not been aware of withholding.

In those few seconds, as they had been working on Sam, all she could think was – Sam had to come back to her. Yes, they had had their differences, had hurt each other, but not for one moment had he not been there for her. Even after she had left for Project Dakota, her first call for help had brought him in ready to lend her a hand to get out of the mess she and Nick were landed in at the time. Sam was always there when it mattered. And she had never needed him as much as she needed him now. She needed him to fight. He wanted her happiness above his own. He had to honour his words. He had to come back, because he, and he alone was her happiness, her home, the home she felt safe and comfortable enough to stay, the home she would never leave, if the Universe gave her a choice.

* * *

After stabilizing Sam's condition, the nurses prepped him for surgery, as the doctor, apparently the head trauma surgeon in the hospital, led her outside to where practically all of 15 Division was waiting. Andy figured, her teary eyes and the devastation on her face could mislead Sam's and her friends, so she shook her head a little, and managed a tremulous smile. Traci stepped up to her, putting her arms around her shoulders, as Frank stepped forward to speak to the surgeon.

Andy heard the surgeon speak to Frank in some details as to what was going to be done towards Sam's treatment, but she could not tell what that was, had anyone asked her. Dov could understand what she was experiencing, and perhaps needed to focus on anyone and anything but Chloe. He listened carefully to the surgeon, knowing Andy would need to know it once she was capable of processing everything again. For the moment, he would tell her what she needed to know. The best team of surgeons in Toronto were handling Sam's surgery which was expected to be of three hours duration, barring complications. From what he understood, whatever else may have gone horribly wrong in the last year, Sam's physical fitness was the best it had ever been, and that would help him immensely in both surgery and recovery.

And he would need post-operative care in the hospital and thereafter at home. Andy was great at taking care of people, that was just who she was. Dov knew how hard it was to look beyond the pain to positively working towards getting better, for oneself and a loved one. But he knew that Andy would be able to do that, and that's what he would help her focus on.

"Hey Andy" he called, walking towards where Traci still held her.


	3. Chapter 3: Fighting Chance

**Disclaimer:**_I do not own Rookie Blue or related characters. Writing as an old fan of the show, particularly the McSwarek dynamic, which, I believe is the backbone of the show. No copyright infringement intended._

**Author's Note:**_Once again, thank you all for your kinds words and encouragement. I sincerely appreciate you sharing your thoughts and opinions on this. Also, thanks to everyone who's taking the time to follow, favourite or just read this story._

This chapter is also unbetaed. So, all mistakes are mine. And I apologize for the delay in updating. Busy week.

**Chapter 3: Fighting Chance**

It was morning, again. The sun was shining again. Sam was breathing on his own, again.

Andy sighed, once more, watching his chest rise and fall, as he lay asleep in the starched white sheets of the sterile hospital bed. It was hard to believe that two days have passed since she had spoken to Dov. Thank God for good friends. Traci had not taken Sam's injury well, too many memories of Jerry clouding her mind, and she had fearfully kept imagining the same disaster that befell her a year ago descend on her best friend. After seeing through Sam's surgery she had mostly stayed away, except visit once during visiting hours each afternoon, accompanied by Steve.

Andy understood. She could empathize with what Traci had gone through and thanked God and the Universe, every waking moment that she had been spared that fate. A world without Sam was not a world, in any universe, that she wanted to live in.

Dov had been an amazing support the last couple of days. Keeping aside his own messed up situation with Chloe, whose husband had finally given the hospital permission to do the surgery, which thankfully, was successful, Dov had helped Andy focus on recovery plans for Sam. She had always been good at planning things out, preferably plan every step of her life out. And Dov had known that, and had used that knowledge to help her cope with the very difficult road ahead for all of them.

Andy could not help but smile as an old memory cropped up. On the night of the hooker detail, when she and Dov, in their eagerness to redeem themselves had put Sadie and their lives at stake at the gun bust, Sam had taken them to task. She had never thought she would ever be scolded like a child after leaving middle school, but that's exactly what Sam had done. He had scolded her and Dov only as a concerned loved one would, and that was the day she had learned, how much the man actually cared for them, people he and Oliver liked to refer to as _'their rookies'_.

* * *

Sam's surgery has been successful. But the damage to his internal organs had been extensive, and it would take several weeks of bed rest before he would even be allowed back to desk duty. Field visits would be out of the question until the division's assigned psychologist pronounced him fit for regular duty. His body was still in a fragile enough condition that the doctors wanted him to be sedated enough to enable it to recover enough to handle post-surgery complications should there be any.

Sam's amazing physical fitness certainly helped. Andy could not help but smile at the thought of that. Sam had always worked out. But all the running and watching his caffeine intake had helped tone his body into an even fitter healthier state. She hoped she would be able to join him in training in the coming days as he prepared to get back to work. She stopped short in her own thinking. Perhaps, her thoughts were running too far ahead. He still had some time before he was released from the hospital.

And they still had to communicate well enough to make a sincere commitment to trying again. No matter how hard the road was—

"Overthinking again, McNally?" Andy could not have been more shocked had clouds burst into the room, at that moment, as Sam's voice reached her. She looked up into his eyes, not missing the twinkle, amazed, that waking up post-surgery, Sam's smirking was still at par as always.

* * *

And true to her habit of coming up with inappropriate responses, almost always, Andy promptly burst into tears - big wracking sobs with all the grace of a child, unlike those cinematic pretty crying that film actresses seemed to be so good at exhibiting.

"Andy" she heard him speak, softly, as he placed his hand on her lowered head. She moved a little closer wanting his fingers in her hair, soothing her, as he used to do. It was only fair, she thought, after all, he was the reason she was crying so hard. The relief of knowing, he was awake, and back in the role of comforting, somehow helped her release even more tears, as she continued to cry. Gradually, the sobbing changed to soft shedding of tears, as she slowly raised her head to look at him, again.

As he moved his hand from her waves, she caught his hand in both of hers, Lowering her gaze once more. They stared at each other, a stillness all around. "Sam" she said, "I… I thought I would lose you and, and… "

It was one moment too long before Sam responded. "Andy, look at me. _Look_ at me. I am here, alright? I'm right here. Not going anywhere."

Andy gave him a tremulous smile, but could see from his expression, he didn't really buy it. And his next words confirmed it.

"Come on" Sam urged, "Andy, you can do better than that. Where's that room-lightening Bambi-eyed smile from _my_ rookie?"

Andy could not help, but laugh out loud at that. It was wonderful to hear him treat her exactly as he used to in the beginning days of their acquaintance. And she did not miss his slight emphasis on the possessive pronoun.

It felt good, Andy had to admit to herself. It felt downright wonderful. She knew, things weren't going to be all roses, going forward. But Sam's voice, his words, and his face, oh God, _his face_, gave her hope. Hope that they had a fighting chance.


End file.
